11.06.2005

Man in the mirror

442 am ... you'd think, I'd be able to sleep at some point. Too much tea. Too much coffee. Too much Diet Mountain Dew. Too much "Goodfellas" and "Slap Shot" overnight on HBO.

We all have problems. Some have addictions. Some think they know it all (thereby pissing off those of us who do.) I know there are many out there who will say I have my share of problems, and they would be right. I'll be the first to admit it ... for years I had a chip on my shoulder the size of, say, I don't know, Saskatchewan? ... for seven years I drank way too much, smoked too many cigarettes ... up until a couple years ago, I ate WAY too much.

My biggest problem, though, has always been self-perception. For the longest time -- and to this day -- I feel like I am damaged goods. Why do I feel like this? It's many of the same things I have some publicly and privately seemingly again and again: Never been married ... hardly date at all ... trust VERY few people; I have been screwed enough times to let many into my life ... feel like I'm largely forgotten by some ... no, not those in Kansas, Long Island, Oklahoma and a few others out there.

Anyway, it is a feeling that has affected my personal and professional lives. I have tried talk therapy. I have tried drug therapy. I did not do either of them particularly long term because I didn't see much if any progress. When I was in talk therapy one-on-one, it felt more like I was on stage doing stand-up.

Sorry, I don't like paying each week to make others laugh. Self-perception be damned.

But to anyone looking at my life right now, they may see a success: I have a nice place in Chicago, fast becoming a great city to live in ... I have a job I truly enjoy -- a co-worker said we're basically stealing money given what we do for a living. ... things are good; for the first time in a long time, things are good.

So why am I unhappy? I know some people who read this will try to explain why I feel this way, but this is something I need to deal with. I need to find a way to get past some events in my life that continue after years to nag in my mind long after, in some cases years and decades after they have happened.

Ray Liotta now realizes his last good drug score was flushed down the toilet, he looks to Paul Sorvino for forgiveness and Paulie turns his back on him. Time to try and get some sleep.

What do you think? I'd like to know.

2 comments:

kansas brat said...

Are any of us truly or completely happy?

I don't think so.

If you are, don't talk to me. It will spoil all my self-analysis.

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Tip your waitstaff. It's a career, not a hobby.

"Igor" said...

It is what it is I guess