What to do ... what to do ...

Those who know me know I will go to the ends of the Earth to help those I care about when they need it.

I wish someone would do that for me. If there is anyone who probably needs an intervention, it's me.

When I was a kid -- a young one -- I used to be happy. I used to laugh. Now, I'm just miserable and its been going on far too long.

I am five weeks short of 40 years old and it's almost like a siren has gone off ... the last 10 years have passed me by and I blame no one but myself for that. Depression has been a huge part of my life, but the last decade has just been one inkset blur. One disappointment after another ... after another.

I was on anti-depressants a few years ago -- Paxil, 20 mg., once a day -- and it seemed to work, but the side effects were, shall we say, less than desirable. Earlier this year, I was back on meds -- a different kind, I don't even remember what they were -- and I craved every carb under the sun and gained about 10 pounds. There was talk therapy for awhile, but I felt more like I was onstage for 50 minutes, once a week.

This is my silent scream. I need help. I don't normally come right out and say it, but I need help. Now.


Ron said...

What is it about these 10 year birthday times? I'm 4 weeks from 50 so be careful. In another 10 years you'll be blogging like me about what happened to the last 25 years!

"Igor" said...

20 and 30 was easy .... this one is harder but trust me it goes deeper than just turning 40.

Kate said...

Sometimes we all need something more than conventional fixes; i.e., meds and therapy. Sometimes what we really need is an unbiased opinion, but someone who genuinally cares and isn't interested in making a buck or two off of a person's misfortunes.

I wish I had the answers you're looking for and I wish I could be there to help, stranger or not.

I know it isn't much, but I am a very good listener.

Please take care of yourself.

"Igor" said...

Kateykakes ... I agree with what you say. If it were just so easy to open up, I might do it, but with most of the world, I keep them at arm's length. The snap answer is why bother, you'll just get hurt again.

The problem is I have way too much pain going on and I don't have the means, resources, call it what you will, to lessen it.

Kate said...

The best I can do is read you here and check up on you daily to make sure you're ok. Feel free to yell anytime - or not say anything at all.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Hi, Igor.
I don't know you, but I will pray for you. People do care.
Even lame-o's like me.

I'm not a religious fanatic, but I honestly believe praying helps.
I turned 41 this year, and I'm not a cheesy '80's rock star, or nuttin.

Please take care.

I'll pray for you; maybe you could pray for you, too...



The Conservative UAW Guy said...

PS - Please feel free to visit or email me (look in my profile) if you wish.
You prob won't, but that's ok.
The offer is there.

Be well.

Anonymous said...

I embraced my 40th birthday as a chance to begin with a clean slate. I decided to look at the previous years as a textbook for what to do and not to do for the rest of my days. And then I got sick and spent months going hither and yon for an answer. I spent my 41st birthday in the hospital wondering how this had gotten so out of hand and berating myself. Then the doctor who could best treat me materializrd and I'm getting better. If I had tried this sooner he wouldn't have been an option, so it's good that it took so long. Moral of the story: Everyday is an opportunity to learn something new, do something stupid and forgive yourself. Everything you have done to this point is what you were supposed to do otherwise you wouldn't have done it. Obviously there was something you were supposed to learn. So, examine your trip for those pearls of wisdom to ensure that the next 40 years are more to your liking.

Anonymous said...

Oops! That anonymous is me.

Big hugs!


kansas brat said...

You know I care about you, so try to view my comments as the best of intentions...

1. You changed your site wallpaper. You're already on your way to a new perspective.

2. You're being impatient. Not about the last 10 years, but just your current state in general.

[side rant] What is it with the freaking men in my life today? You're all acting all impatient and stressing me the freak out! Is this what I get for not calling you back?[end rant]

My snap suggestion is to utilize resources that offer to help. There have been more responses on this one post than others combined. Genuine concern is posted here. If you refuse to open up because of "you'll only get hurt again", then you are refusing to open up. That's ok, and it's your right to do so. But it's not ok to claim that you want (or need) help, but won't do the things necessary to obtain it.

Now, a more compassionate response would be, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you feel bad, and I'm sorry for what I've done to contribute to it. You know that for all of the abuse and grief that I give you, I will always feel responsible for your well-being. The fact that you're unhappy makes me terribly sad. PMS hormones aren't helping matters, either.

But dammit, man, you are doing well for yourself! You have a better job than your last. You're living in a better part of the country. You weigh less and are in better shape than I am, for crying out loud!!

You don't have to start medication again, but I would highly recommend talking to someone. Forget the psychoanalyst and PhD people. Try a social worker. Those people are trained to actually offer life skills and tips for surviving day-to-day. The psychoanalysts and PhDs want you to talk through your problems to find your own solutions. That is not going to make you feel better now. And as far as the meds? There are others out there. I don't notice that E's Zoloft makes him eat any more or less than usual.

Turning 40 is not worthy of this kind of anxiety, dear.

Kate said...

Haven't seen a post by you today and I'm concerned.

I sure do hope everything is ok.


kb said...

Katey, I was wondering the same thing.

The Secular Middle said...

I don't know what I can say that I haven't said before. I can tell everyone that yes, you will bend over backwards to help people. We'd love you even if you didn't, but still....

SSRIs are infamous for being unpredictable, and what works for one person may not work for another. Find a doctor who can help you find one that works. If s/he is really nice, s/he'll hook you up with a month's worth of samples so you can try before you buy. I was lucky that Effexor worked for me the first time. You haven't been so lucky (also I thought the Paxil worked for a while...?) But something will work. You need to find it.

As far as side effects, I'll assume you mean sexual side effects? I'd rather be uninterested in sex than miserable. Better to have one source of unhappiness than many.

Aerobic exercise helps. I'm not practicing what I preach here, but take walks every day - at least when it's not hotter than hell. It will do a lot more good than ESPN will.

You know I've been there and back. There's light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to move in that direction.

Call me. During work hours you may get me at a time when I can't talk, but I'll get back to you when I can.


The Secular Middle said...

BTW: 40 was hard on me too. Strangely 41 was not - I was just glad to NOT be 40 anymore...as if I was getting younger. Go figure.

kansas brat said...

Status update:

He's at work, and everything is status quo. It's getting close to his quitting time. So hopefully he'll make an appearance soon.

To support Todd's input... aging is inevitable. Maturity is optional. ;)